JotD / QotD Ελληνική Λίστα Ανεκδότων (JotD)


Θέμα: (no subject)



(nil): sofiaa(@)aisb.ed.ac.uk
Ημερομηνία: Σαβ 11 Νοέ 1995 - 19:13:52 EET

  
  CONTRARY to what many women believe, it's fairly easy to develop a long-term,
  stable, intimate, and mutually fulfilling relationship with a guy. Of course
  this guy has to be a Labrador retriever. With human guys, it's extremely
  difficult. This is because guys don't really grasp what women mean by the
  term relationship.
  
  Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her
  out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later
  he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to
  see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing
  anybody else.
  
  And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine,
  and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize that, as of
  tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?''
  
  And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud
  silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said
  that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks
  I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or
  isn't sure of.
  
  And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
  
  And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of
  relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have
  time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are,
  moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to
  keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward
  marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that
  level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
  
  And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . .
  February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at
  the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way
  overdue for an oil change here.
  
  And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm
  reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship,
  more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed
  it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why
  he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of
  being rejected.
  
  And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission
  again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And
  they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold
  weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn
  garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
  
  COMMUNICATIONS GAP
  
  And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too.
  God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I
  feel. I'm just not sure.
  
  And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty.
  That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
  
  And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight
  to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a
  perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care
  about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain
  because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
  
  And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a
  goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their . . .
  
  ''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud.
  
  ''What?'' says Roger, startled.
  
  ''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to
  brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . . . Oh God, I feel so . . . ''
  (She breaks down, sobbing.)
  
  ''What?'' says Roger.
  
  ''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I
  really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.''
  
  ''There's no horse?'' says Roger.
  
  ''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.
  
  ''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
  
  ''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says.
  
  (There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to
  come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks
  might work.)
  
  ''Yes,'' he says.
  
  A BEFUDDLED BEAU
  
  (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
  
  ''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.
  
  ''What way?'' says Roger.
  
  ''That way about time,'' says Elaine.
  
  ''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.''
  
  (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to
  become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves
  a horse. At last she speaks.)
  
  ''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.
  
  ''Thank you,'' says Roger.
  
  Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul,
  and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a
  bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a
  rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A
  tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was
  going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he
  would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think
  about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
  
  IT'S ANALYSIS TIME
  
  The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and
  they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking
  detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going
  over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture
  for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will
  continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never
  reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
  
  Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of
  his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: ''Norm, did
  Elaine ever own a horse?''
  
  We're not talking about different wavelengths here. We're talking about
  different planets, in completely different solar systems. Elaine cannot
  communicate meaningfully with Roger about their relationship any more than
  she can meaningfully play chess with a duck. Because the sum total of Roger's
  thinking on this particular topic is as follows:
  
  Huh?
  
  But the point I'm trying to make is that, if you're a woman, and you want to
  have a successful relationship with a guy, the No. 1 tip to remember is:
  
  1. Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.
  
  The guy will not realize this on his own. You have to plant the idea in his
  brain by constantly making subtle references to it in your everyday
  conversation, such as:
  
  -- ''Roger, would you mind passing me a Sweet 'n' Low, inasmuch as we have a
  relationship?''
  
  -- ''Wake up, Roger! There's a prowler in the den and we have a relationship!
  You and I do, I mean.''
  
  -- ''Good News, Roger! The gynecologist says we're going to have our fourth
  child, which will serve as yet another indication that we have a
  relationship!''
  
  -- ''Roger, inasmuch as this plane is crashing and we probably have only
  about a minute to live, I want you to know that we've had a wonderful 53
  years of marriage together, which clearly constitutes a relationship.''
  
  Never let up, women. Pound away relentlessly at this concept, and eventually
  it will start to penetrate the guy's brain. Some day he might even start
  thinking about it on his own. He'll be talking with some other guys about
  women, and, out of the blue, he'll say, ''Elaine and I, we have, ummm . . .
  We have, ahhh . . . We . . . We have this thing.''
  
  And he will sincerely mean it.
  
  The next relationship-enhancement tip is:
  
  2. Do not expect the guy to make a hasty commitment.
  
  By ''hasty,'' I mean, ''within your lifetime.'' Guys are extremely reluctant
  to make commitments. This is because they never feel ready.
  
  ''I'm sorry,'' guys are always telling women, ''but I'm just not ready to
  make a commitment.'' Guys are in a permanent state of nonreadiness. If guys
  were turkey breasts, you could put them in a 350-degree oven on July Fourth,
  and they still wouldn't be done in time for Thanksgiving.
  


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