JotD / QotD Ελληνική Λίστα Ανεκδότων (JotD)


Θέμα: Microsoft: The Next Generation



(nil): Harry Mantoukas (bugsy(@)compulink.gr)
Ημερομηνία: Κυρ 15 Ιούν 1997 - 14:58:59 EEST

"Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript.

Picard "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding
a weakness in the Borg? And
Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"

Geordi "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our
archives on late Twentieth-century
computing technology."

Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

Riker looks puzzled. "What the hell is `Microsoft'?"

Data turns to answer. "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for
some reason called `Windows',
through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it
will begin consuming system
resources at an unstoppable rate."

Picard "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their
processing systems to increase their
storage capacity?"

Data "Yes, Captain. But when `Windows' detects this, it creates a new
version of itself known as an `upgrade'.
The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg
will not be able to adapt quickly
enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and
none will be available for their normal
operational functions."

Picard "Excellent work. This is even better than that `unsolvable geometric
shape' idea."

. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

Data "Captain, we have successfully installed the `Windows' in the Borg's
command unit. As expected, it
immediately consumed 85% of all available resources. However, we have not
received any confirmation of the
expected `upgrade'."

Geordi "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU
capacity, but we still have no
indication of an `upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

Picard "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is
something we have missed."

Data "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the `upgrade'.
Appearently the Borg have circumvented
that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards."

Riker "Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency
escape sequence 3F ...."

Geordi, excited "Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to
0% !"

Picard "Data, what do your scanners show?"

Data, studying displays "Appearently the Borg have found the internal
`Windows' module named `Solitaire',
and it has used up all available CPU capacity."

Picard "Let's wait and see how long this `Solitaire' can reduce their
functionality."

. . . Two Hours Pass . . .

Riker "Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?"

Geordi "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate
for increased CPU and storage
demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our
closest deep space monitor
beacon to transmit more `Windows' modules from something called the
`Microsoft Fun-pack'.

Picard "How much time will that buy us?"

Data "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time
span of 6 more hours."

Geordi "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

Picard "Identify."

Data "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo..."

Over the speakers "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP
MONOPOLY. WE
HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR.
SURRENDER ALL
ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY."

Data "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released
thousands of humanoid-shaped
objects."

Picard "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!"

Riker "My God, captain! Those are human beings floating straight toward the
Borg ship - with no life support
suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!"

Data "I don't believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer I
believe you will see that they are carrying
something recognized by twenty-first century man as doeskin leather
briefcases, and wearing Armani suits."

Riker and Picard, together - horrified "Lawyers!!"

Geordi "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into
the sun in 2017 during the Great
Awakening."

Data "True, but appearently some must have survived."

Riker "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types
of papers."

Data "I believe that is known in ancient venacular as `red tape'. It often
proves fatal."

Riker "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"

Picard "Turn the monitors off, Data, I can't bear to watch. Even the Borg
don't deserve such a gruesome
death!"

Author Unknown


Γραφτείτε και εσείς στην Ελληνική Λίστα ανεκδότων (JotD) και στείλτε τα ανέκδοτά σας!!!

Επιστροφή στον κεντρικό κατάλογο αυτού του αρχείου