JotD / QotD Ελληνική Λίστα Ανεκδότων (JotD)


Θέμα: Re: Psaxno gia minimata tilefoniti!



(nil): Akis Karnouskos (akis(@)ceid.upatras.gr)
Ημερομηνία: Τρι 11 Νοέ 1997 - 14:28:15 EET

> Kalimera se olous!
>
> Ypirxe mia lista me perierga kai asteia minimata aytomatou tilefoniti > pou trigyrnage sto Usenet prin kana xrono 'i dyo... Mipos tin exei > kratisei kaneis apo esas???

Dennis brethike ...

Ciao,
akis

Answering Machine Messages

"Hi! I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name
and number, I'll call you back when I am..." BEEP

"You've reached the B&D hotline. All our operators are tied-up right
now, so if you leave a name, number, a list of transgressions and
bark like a dog, we'll get right back to you with your penance."

"Hello, this is Ron. (pause) Hello? Hello!!? Nah, just kidding. This is
an answering machine. (etc.)"

"Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message.
Hang on a second while I get a pencil." (background noise - open
a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) "OK, what would you like me to tell
me?"

Also, something you might do after you've had the machine for a few
months is start answering in person with "Hello, this is a live
voice." (Variation on a theme by "The Cosby Show".) Or you could try
answering your own phone with "Hello, is Ron there?"

"We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave
your name, number, and Master Card, Visa, or American
Express account number and we'll get back to, pending credit approval."

"You have reached the (city,state) Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missle
Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right
now. At the tone, please leave you name, number and target or list of
targets and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day."

"Hello?" (pause for a few seconds) "Sorry, he's not here right now, but
if you leave a message, he'll get back to you."

"Hello. This is Chris. John and Mike aren't here right now, but if you
leave a message, they'll get back to you as soon as they can."

[imitating Ensign Chekov] "Oh, sair...it was *Khan*! He made us say
things...do things...he kept us from answering the phone! But
Keptin was strong, and if you leave your name and number, Keptin will
get back to you as soon as he can!" (BEEP)

[imitating Mr. Rogers] "Hello. I'm in the Magic Kingdom right now, so I
can't come to the phone. Can you leave your name and number
when you hear the sound of the tone? Sure...I knew you could." (BEEP)

Steve: Hello. Steve and Matt aren't here right now but if...
Matt: Steve, what are you doing?
Steve: I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here.
Matt: But you left the last one -- it's my turn.
Steve: No, I'm sure it's my turn.
Matt: No, you're incorrect. It's definitely my turn.
Steve: You fool. I know it's ... wait ... Matt ... what are you doing
with that frying pan?!? BONK [really loud thud]
Matt: Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and number.

"Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?"

"This is (#include phone.addr). We are not ... excuse me a moment,
please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (sound
of window breaking) Great, I'll have to get back to you."

"Finally get an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm.
Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I
wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button
does......"

A friend of mine at school has this message, read by three people while
the STAR TREK theme plays in the background. 1: Room 17,
the final frontier. 2: These are the messages of Chad's answering
machine. Its 2 semester mission: to seek out your name and your
telepohne number. 3: To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.

(Annoying flute music in background) Good day, Jim. Your contact,
[insert name], is not available right now. Your mission, should you
choose to accept it, is to leave your name,number, and a brief message
at the tone. This tape will self-destruct in thirty seconds. Good
Luck, Jim.

"Steve is reassembling Elvis' brain and can't come to the phone right
now, but if you leave your name ...", etc.

"Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone
right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a
message I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all
about it in next week's National Enquirer."

In the background can be heard Gregorian Chant or some other church
music (In a soft voice) Good Day My child, you have reached
{name} dial a confession. At the tone if you will leave your name,
number and short confession I will get back to you with your
pennance. Thank you and may God go with you. (Beep)

Hi this is (name). I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a
message and then wait by the phone until I call you back.

A friend was at a mutal friend's sister's house, and when she went out
for beer, he changed her answering machine message. In a loud,
deep, gravely, horror-film voice he recorded, "HI, THIS IS KATHY, I'M
NOT MYSELF RIGHT NOW. IF YOU LEAVE YOUR
NAME AND NUMBER, I'LL GET BACK TO YOU WHEN I'M FEELING BETTER."

I worked for a bit in the coastguard in Wales and I used to send weather
reports to other bases, using a sort of antique FAX machine. I
would call first on a special telephone and then send the data. They
used to answer the phone with: " Epicentre of the Universe, God
speaking."
" Hartland home for lost whores." (that was Hartland CG)
" Da, zis iz Ivan: do you have zee secret information, Boris?"
" Pentagon command: transmit destruct sequence (pause) sequence correct:
T minusone minute and counting"

And then there was one phone we didn't use, with a number one off that
of the local take-out. With my, non-British, accent I had some
great fun with that phone. "Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you
hold please? -- Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing
frequency seven, do you want it on screen?" (silence...click)
"Vancouver coastguard, may I help you." British long distance rates are
phenomenonal and I had this poor dude sputtering with horror
that he had managed to make a long distance call by dialing five digits.

(Phone Rings) Noisy pick-up of phone Uh...(whisperingly) Hello? Hi, I 'm
a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy's answering
machine. If you give me your name and number I'll..uh, I'll post it on
the 'fridge where he'll see it. Uh.. by the way, where did you say
you live?

But right now I'm using "This is a boring answering machine message.
Leave a message anyway." because I'm sick of people ringing the
phone at 10am just so they can hear the clever messages I usually have,
and then hanging up without even leaving a "like your message"
message. Feh!

[Must have good Australian accent] G'day mate. Can't come to the phone
now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a
message, and I'll get back to you.

This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name
and number and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word.
Today's word is supercilious.

The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name,
phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and
the secret password.

Kemosabe no in tipi now. You leave'um message after little smoke signal,
and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.

Also, on the subject of answering machines, my favorite tape was: "This
is Jeff, you're not in now so I'll leave a message." Really
confused people.

A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a
channeler in the 23rd Century. Any message you leave will be
broadcast into the future....

Hello. Lindsey's not home now--this is his domestic droid speaking. I'm
not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message,
and Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible.

"Hi! You have reached 579-7599. This is an answering machine. This is
the Nineties. You know what to do."

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave
your name and number we'll get back to you as soon as we're
finished.

Ring, Ring: The number you have xxx-xxxx (your number) has been changed,
the new number is xxx-xxxx (again, your number).
CULATA!

"Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! (your
name here) can't come to the phone right now, because
he's spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French
Riviera..."

One day I had a borrowed Casio sampler toy and used it to create a
rather interesting one: Hello. You have reached Tooooommmmmm
Tom Tm! Tom and MaMaMaMarMMMMaark's room. Tom is studying
ssttuuddyyiinngg sssssssssssss and MaMark isn'isn'isn'isn't
here. isn't here. P-P-Pleas! leave a messssssssage. Goodbye. 'bye!
bye!bbyebybyyeyeyebbye {byes repeating at all different pitches}

Last year my roommate had a machine but he hated to make the outgoing
message. Stage fright, I guess. So I usually made them. One
that we usually used during exam time was: {background music: Billy
Joel's _Pressure_ very loud} Hello. You have reached Tom and
Mark's room. We're a little busy now... { BJ screams PRESSURE!!! } So,
leave a message and we'll get back to you someday after
(exam end date) { BJ: ONE TWO THREE FOUR PRESSURE!!! followed by a very
out-of-tune BEEP! }

My favorite message that I ever had was the *real* message I recorded
off 1-800-CALL-SPY, the U.S. army snitching network. Try it,
its a great recording (call after 5 pm for the message). [Give it try!
-pZ]

(Ring) In the background can be heard springs creaking and various
moans. (Husky, Soft female voice is best) Hi,... You've just reached
{name} pleasure palace. We're all busy as I'm sure you can tell but when
we're done... we'llget back to you in whatever way we can.
(Beep)
You wouldn't believe how much explaining my mother wanted on that one...

[background music is frantic, violin oriented] "hello. you have reached
xxx-xxxx. we are currently unable to answer because we are either
chasing, or being chased by, bats. please leave a message..." etc.

[the quiet, eerie vocal part of 'hello, earth' by kate bush] (after
about 30 seconds): "hello. you have reached xxx-xxxx. we can't come to
the phone right now because we're at vespers. please leave a message..."
etc. (30 more seconds of music before the beep.)

(Spoken in a granny voice) "Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn'
have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had
to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay
dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if
you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot." Must be spoken in a drawl.

"I'm home right now . . . I'm just screening my calls. So just start
talking and if you're someone I want to speak to I'll pick up the phone.
Otherwise, well, what can I say?

In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife. [sound effect:
Heeeeee-YAH!, smashing box of kleenex] But this method doesn't work with
a telephone call... [sound effect: dial tone] Introducing the all-new
GINSU answering machine! It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices your
incoming calls! How much would you pay? Don't answer, because if you
leave your name and number when you hear the tone, we'll
throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE!

"Hi, you have reached .... Please leave your name, phone number and a
message and if we like it we will return your call".

However, the most effective one I have had so far can be used only one
day per year: "This is David. I'm not using the phone over Yom
Kippur, so please leave a message or call back after the holiday." No
one wants to admit not having realized it was Yom Kippur or not
knowing I would pick one holiday from the whole calendar on which to get
observant, so everyone hangs up and leaves me no bad news
or requests for favors.

"This is David. Talk."

"Hi. This is David. I've shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a
sedative. As soon as I finish this recording I'm going to bed
indefinitely. When I wake up I'll play my messages. Please leave one."

[with a kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra" in the
background...] "Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you
have
instead reached..." [YA-DAAAAAAAAA!] "...the ANSWERING MACHINE! Leave
your name and number, and we will get back to
you as soon as we can."

"Hello, this is Dr. Pangloss. If this were the best of all possible
worlds, I could come to the phone right now, but I can't, so if you
could
leave your name and number..."

"Hello?" (pause for a few seconds) "Sorry, he's not here right now, but
if you leave a message, he'll get back to you."

(woman taped off a "phone sex" service) WOMAN : (seductively) Hi. I'm
Linda. You know, it can be really lonely when you're a
fashion model. Sometimes I just have to ... YOU : (interupting) Oh cmon,
Linda, give me the damn phone.. (then ask for a message)

Just after the earthquake a friend of mine put on his answering machine:
"Hi, this is Jeff. We can't get to the phone right now because we
were killed in the Earthquake. Tragic, isn't it? But, leave a message
anyway, someone is sure to get it eventually." BEEP My favorite
post quake message: "Hi, we're not in cause we're out LOOTING! Leave a
message and we'll call you back and tell you what we got."

"Hello, I'm not hear right now. In fact, I'm out getting a new parakeet.
If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to
you. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet
cage with a vacuum cleaner."

Ring...click....(sound of loud music in background)...Hello? - just a
second while I turn the stereo off (sound of person running to click
off music, which gets quiet. sound of person running back to phone) OK,
sorry about that, hi there, who's this...well hi!... uh
huh...yeah...well listen you're talking to a machine, so please leave a
message and I'll call you back. (this ran for a while until a friend
threatened to kill us after she said she had a 2 minute conversation
with the machine.)

"Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now
because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still
made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the
resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet
firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as
soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal
charges."

"Speak, worm!" (beep) Works best if done in a Darth Vader voice.

"You know what to do at the tone." (beep)

"Hello?" (beep) This confuses anyone who doesn't know you.

"Hello, I'm not here." (beep) A friend of mine used this one last
summer. I always answered it with "Okay, that's all I wanted to know."

Hi!! You've reached Janet and Chris's room. We're not in right now. If
this is our parents, we're at the library studying. Yeah, yeah,
that's it, that's the ticket. If this is John (Chris's boyfriend), Chris
is out with the girls at the party. Yeah, that's it. If this is any one
else,
we're at a party and you're not. Yeah, a party with the president. Yeah
and the .... pope. Yeah that's it. (beep)

One voice: I didn't expect an answering machine. Another voice: Nobody
expects an answrering machine. Our chief use is to get your
name. And phone number. Our two chief uses are to get your name and
phone number. And message. (damn) Our three uses are to get
your name, phone number, and message. And time you called. Oh, damn,
we'll have to start over. No--no time for that, so just wait for
the beep.

(in an Italian mafia-style tone:) "Hello. I can't come to the phone
right now. Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk. I think
we're going to have to size it a little... (aside) HEY GUIDO! GET THE
CHAINSAW! Anyways, leave your name and a message. If I
like it, you'll hear from me. If not, _you'll_hear_ from_Guido! ( a
little laughter )... "

(To the tune of "Heartbreak Hotel" with appropriate instrumental
accompaniment) I just left home baby I'll be out fer a spell and if you
don't leave a message baby you can go to (BEEP)

Hello, this is (insert your name here>. I'm home right now, and in a few
moments, I'll have a decision to make. BEEEP!

[Theme from "Indiana Jones" in the background.] You've reached the
residence of John and Tom. We can't come to the phone right
now, because we're cleaning the refrigerator. Please leave your name and
number, and we'll get back to you. [Theme from "Indiana
Jones" continues until the beep.]

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please
speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one
of these magnets.

One of my favorites had this very exciting scary music, along with a
kitten crying in the background, and the voice goes: The machine
answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt power supply, and a
relay which is wired to this small kitten. If you hang up before
you leave a message, it will complete the circuit and will fry the
kitty. The choice is YOURS.... BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

FOXTROT-LIMA-ALPHA-SIERRA-HOTEL. KEY-DESTRUCT-SEQUENCE-NOW.
THIS-TERMINAL-ALSO-ACCEPTS-VOICE-MESSAGES......

Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today's
commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not... er... bear a...
er... shalt not witness thy... uh... neighbor's ass, oh, I mean,
false... er... shalt not commit a bear... dern...

How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the
instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch
this... YOW!!

I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the
phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this
message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER,
except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it...
I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

I can't come to the phone now, so... hey -- that's a nice phone you have
there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have
answering machines bothering you all the time... yes indeedy. Why don't
you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old
recordings... I might even play my beep for you...

Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you
beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about it!... Don't...!

After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the
money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out
of hiding.

Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to
test: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality.
You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... the telephone is next
to an answering machine... you hear a faint click and a light flashes on
the answering machine... you hear a beep...

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very
sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability
to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly
compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the
beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!

This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast
System. This is only a test.

Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This
is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72...

[Sung to the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries"] Leave a message... leave a
message... etc.

Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now,
so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk
briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you
hear the following words: orange... mother... unicorn... penis. I'll
get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.

[For Shakespeare lovers only] So long as phones can ring and eyes can
see, So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.

[VOICE 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal.
[VOICE 2] I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.

I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement
printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. If you need any
money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your
name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If
you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.

Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's not here
right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and
confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as
possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless you
confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail!

Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes.
Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you weren't
ready, we gave it to Vanna White. Sorry.

C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the way... just a
little beep, just a little one. C'mon... good boy... here we go... like
this --
beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go!

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid
talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could
help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself.
Thanks.

I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain.
Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my
shape, one of them will get back to you.

Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are
busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an
asshole return your call as soon as possible.

Ok, One more time... This is our answering machine... This is the
message on our answering machine... ...Any questions?

Hi, can I speak to Mark?...Oh, there isn't?...I'm sorry, I must have
dialed the wrong number.

(beep, beep, beep) The number you have reached, Seven. Six. Seven. One.
Two. Three. Four. [Use your number here.] has not been
disconnected and is still in service. Please leave a message at the
sound of the tone.

HANS: This is Hans FRANZ: And this is Franz, and we just want to...
BOTH: Pump (CLAP) you up HANS: But we are not at home,
you know FRANZ: Ya, we are gone HANS: If you want us to... BOTH: Pump
(CLAP) you up HANS: You will leave a message after
the beep FRANZ: If you don't leave a message, then you are Girlyman.
HANS: Ya, Girlyman. And we don't talk to Girlyman, you know
FRANZ: So leave a message and we will call to.. BOTH: Pump (CLAP) you up

"Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY -- Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY! They say the King
died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there
somewhere. So . . . leave your name and number and tell us where *YOU*
saw Elvis!"

"Hi, you've reached 1-900-CALL-BREN, my personal message line where you
can talk to me, Bren. I'll tell you all about how I'm
suffering in between sports seasons and about my part time hobby of
being a power forward for the Portland Trailblazers. I'll tell my
deepest secrets, such as my desire to be kidnapped by short blonde
sorority girls wearing short jean skirts, and you can decide whether
or not I'm wearing pants. Selected callers will get to talk to me live.
Since you're not one of them, leave your own personal secret at the
beep. "

In a vaguely phoneco-operator voice: "I'm sorry, you have reached an
imaginary number. Would you please rotate your telephone by
ninety degrees and try your call again." A few people even got the
joke...

"You have just dialed into the North American Air Defense Contract
Center. Stand by at the tone to give coordinates and destination of
incoming bogey. TNR Surveillance will scramble. If you do not respond,
this unit will assume incoming, non-important."

"Sherwood forest, which dear do you want?"

"Lucifer speaking, who in the hall do you want?"

"Heaven, God speaking."

"Bridge, Kirk here."

"City Morgue, you kill 'em, we chill 'em; You stab 'em, we slab 'em!"

"Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no diplomats are
able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name,
telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell."

"I've set up my answering machine so that when anyone calls, they here a
busy signal."

If you are a burglar, then we are probably at home but can't come to the
phone right now Otherwise, we probably aren't at home.

This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what
you-know-when.

" I'm Morley Safer." "I'm Harry Reasoner." "I'm ........ "And I'm" (the
guy whose answering machine it was) " We're not home; leave a
message." He had taped the audio of the beginning of 60 minutes; it
sounded very funny.

"Greetings. You've reached Ghengis Kahn's Pornographic FilmsUnlimited.
Fabian, Pat, Rex and Mike are still conducting screentests
with potential leading ladies to star opposite the late JohnHolmes in
our upcoming feature film "It's Not the Size That Counts but
Whether or Not You're Alive to Use It." If you're interested in a screen
test, or even if you're not, please leave us your name, age, phone
number, measurements, cup size, a brief summary of your work experience,
both off and on the screen, and a brief summary of your
favorite fantasy involving four men, a pair of handcuffs, and a tub of
Cool Whip. Thank you for calling."

Another one I've done more than once is to slowly increase the pitch and
speed of my voice while recording the message to make it
sound like the machine is broken:(start, low pitch, slow)
"Hhhhheeelllllloooooo thheeeerrrrrrre evvvvveerrrryyyboooodyyyy....
(middle,
normal) ..home of Veronica, Jaw-Chyi, Mark and Mike. Nobody's home...
(later, high pitch, fast)
..butifyou'dliketoleaveamessageafterthetonethen... (end,
incomprehensible chipmunk gibberish)
..kkfjdkeirucjkljfkldjrioutjkjfdskoreudjfkleqBEEP!"

This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your
reason for
calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about
returning your call.

"E'llo." "My name is Inigo Montonya." "You killed my father." "Leave
your name and number, and prepare to die." (beep)

My favorite that I have heard as an answering machine message is also
from this movie. My friend recorded the section that goes
something like: "I'm writing the definitive work on pain, and I would
like you to tell me how the machine makes you feel. Remember, be
honest. This is for posterity."

The message I currently have on my recorder is the output from my
Amiga's speech sythesizer. It's set up as a dialog between two
distict, but recognizably artificial voices. I thought it sort of
mediocre myself, but have gotten quite a number of amused comments about
it.
"Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now."
"Yeah, nobody but us machines!"
"Right, just us machines, but don't hang up! If you like, you can leave
your name and telephone number... ...and a message! You forgot
about the message!"
"Right. Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you
hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the
real people get back. ...unless of course, sombody pulls out our plug!"

I taped the operator saying "we're sorry. The number you have reached
has been disconnected or is no longer is service..."

>From Halloween this year: (Ominous electronic background music.) Hi,
this is Jim. In honor of Halloween, I'm about to perform an
unspeakable pagan ritual. So please leave a message. Oh, unless you're a
virgin, in which case, why don't you stop by? SINT MIHI DEI
ACHERONTIS PROPITII...

(French monologue in the background) Around the world today, millions
still speak French as either a first or second language. But with
your continued support and help, we can wipe out French in our lifetime.
Please leave a message in English at the tone, and remember, if
someone tries to speak French to you, just say, "non".

Hi, this is Jim. Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can talk to my
answering machine for only $.95 per minute! Please leave
your credit card number at the tone...

Hi, this is Jim. Thanks for calling during my spring pledge drive. A
basic membership is only $30, and a $60 pledge gets you an "I love
Jim Shea" T-shirt. Please wait for the tone, and thank you for your
pledge.

(click) "You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your
voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for
later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the
sound of _your_ voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral
purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation, however our
staff of professional extortionists will be contacting you in the near
future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange
for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the
sound of the tone. Thank you." (BEEEEEEEEEEEP)

(Use a strong east Indian accent) Hello, you have reached the
existential hotline of (...). I am currently meditating, but if you
leave your
name andwhich lifeline you are currently inhabiting at the sound of the
Om, I will send good karma waves and contact you whenthe stars
align properly.

Oooooommmmmmmmmmmmm... (heavy panting and breathing in the background),
Oh! Sorry, I can't come (Oh! Yes! Do it to me) to
the (Oh!) phone right now (pant pant), leave your name and number at the
(scream) (I'm gonna come!!!!!) orgasm.

I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain.
Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my
shape, one of them will get back to you.

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very
sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability
to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly
compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality.
You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... the telephone is next
to an answering machine... you hear a faint click and a light flashes on
the answering machine... you hear a beep...

Hello, this is the Brown residence. We're in the middle of a family
fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep and
whoever wins will call you right back.

Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to
test: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the
money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out
of hiding.

Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you
beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about it!... Don't...!

I can't come to the phone now, so... hey -- that's a nice phone you have
there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have
answering machines bothering you all the time... yes indeedy. Why don't
you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old
recordings... I might even play my beep for you...

I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the
phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this
message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER,
except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it...
I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no diplomats are able
to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name,
telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell.

Hello. This is Nonoxynol-9, the persona and private telephone number of
Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of the
Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union of Sovjet
Socialist Republics, Commander-In-Chief of the Combined
Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, First Citizen of the Order
of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet Institute of Literature and
Domestic Sciences, President of the Soviet People's Council of Peace and
Happiness and Captain of the Kremlin B Squash Team. But
hey, call me Mike.

The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name,
phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and
the secret password.

Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I'm home right now, and in a moment,
I'll have a decision to make. Leave your name and number and I'll
be thinking about it...

Hi! You have reached 234-1243. This is an answering machine. This is the
Nineties. You know what to do.

I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave
a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I
might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the
tone, you might have to deal with me in person.

Greetings. You've reached Ghengis Kahn's Pornographic Films Unlimited.
Fabian, Pat, Rex and Mike are still conducting screen tests
with potential leading ladies to star opposite the late John Holmes in
our upcoming feature film, "It's Not the Size That Counts but
Whether or Not You're Alive to Use It." If you're interested in a screen
test, or even if you're not, please leave us your name, age, phone
number, measurements, cup size, a brief summary of your work experience,
both off and on the screen, and a brief summary of your
favorite fantasy involving four men, a pair of handcuffs, and a tub of
Cool Whip. Thank you for calling.

(In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking...

Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do you want?

Hi! I can't answer the phone right now. Bob, that's my pet parakeet,
just swallowed a cherry bomb. It wasn't lit, but I've got to get him
to the bathroom. Uh-oh! (Sound of a paper bag exploding.)

Hello, I'm not here right now. In fact, I'm out getting a new parakeet.
If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to
you. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet
cage with a vacuum cleaner.

(After a power outage:) Hi, this is Ralph. The good news is that my
power is back on. The bad news for you is, so is my answering
machine. So, leave a message.

Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name
and number, I'll be right with you.

Hello, this is KVKE, you're on the air.

Hello, you've reached 344-1312, the Apartment at the End of the
Universe. Please leave your message, name and number at the sound
of the tone. Keep your hands, feet, extremities and obscenities inside
the car at all times. Enjoy your ride.

Hello, this is the Computer Music Research Institute of Portland,
Oregon. We can't take your call at the moment, but we would like you
to leave a critique of one of our current works in progress. BEEP!

The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt power
supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten. (Sound of
a kitten meowing.) If you hang up before you leave a message, it will
complete the circuit and fry the kitty. The choice is YOURS.

Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop
for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is
done.... (Cachunk!)

My time is billed at $125 per hour. Please begin your message with your
MasterCard or Visa number, card type, and date of expiration.
Go ahead.

We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave
your name, number, and Master Card, Visa, or American
Express account number, and we'll get back to you pending credit
approval.

Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?

(Imitating Mr. Rogers:) Hello. I'm in the Magic Kingdom right now, so I
can't come to the phone. Can you leave your name and number
when you hear the sound of the tone? Sure... I knew you could.

(Recorded directly from AT&T:) We're sorry, but the number you dialed is
disconnected or no longer in service.

The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number
is 226-0477. Please make a note of it.

(A busy signal.)

Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! Sam
can't come to the phone right now because he's spending the
week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera.

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice
patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use.
Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR
voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes.
There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of
professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to
further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your
schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the
tone. Thank you.

Hi, you've reached 1-900-CALL-BREN, my personal message line where you
can talk to me, Bren. I'll tell you all about how I'm
suffering in between sports seasons and about my part time hobby of
being a power forward for the Portland Trailblazers. I'll tell my
deepest secrets, such as my desire to be kidnapped by short blonde
sorority girls wearing short jean skirts, and you can decide whether
or not I'm wearing pants. Selected callers will get to talk to me live.
Since you're not one of them, leave your own personal secret at the
beep.

Thank you for calling Robert's House of Love. All of our customer
service representatives are, er... busy servicing customers, so at the
sound of the erotic tone, leave your name, number, and a short
description of whatever turns you on...

Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave
a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm *so* depressed.
I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all
I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just
leave your name and number after the beep.

I'm sorry, the number that has dialed you is not in service. Will you
please hang up and let it dial again... (crackle) I'm sorry, the...

You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and
on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is,
"We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine
simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never
have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you
call me...

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave
your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're
finished.

Wrong number? No sweat, I was going to pick up the phone anyway.

I just got a car phone. I'm not here at the moment. Leave me a message
and I'll call you when I'm out.

Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now
because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still
made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the
resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet
firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as
soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal
charges.

Hi. This is David. I've shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a
sedative. As soon as I finish this recording I'm going to bed
indefinitely. When I wake up I'll play my messages. Please leave one.

You have reached the Suicide Prevention Hotline. All our lines are busy
now, but if you leave your name and number, someone will get
back to you as soon as possible.

This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway.
(Useful to keep people from calling at odd hours to hear your
latest exciting message.)

Hi, dudes, this is 229-3053, the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles' secret
underground hideaway. I'm afraid we're all out just now on a
desperate mission to save the Planet from boring answering machine
messages, but if you know what The Shredder has done to April
O'Neill, or if you know where he is, or if you can think of a decent
pizza recipe, just leave your name and number and we'll ring you
right back. But don't say anything yet! Enemy agents may be listening.
When the computer has checked they're not eavesdropping, it will
make a bleeping noise and you can speak freely.

These words are lovely dark and deep
But I've got promises to keep
and miles to go before I sleep
So leave a message at the beep.

Now I lay me down to sleep;
Leave a message at the beep.
If I die before I wake,
Remember to erase the tape.

____________________________________________________________________

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