JotD / QotD Ελληνική Λίστα Ανεκδότων (JotD)


Θέμα: Questa O Quella



(nil): Nick the Greek (me(@)bigfoot.com)
Ημερομηνία: Δευ 12 Ιαν 1998 - 10:44:22 EET

Gia na deite pws pername ... anamesa se ola ta alla.

13 Iouniou 199x

Yixalizei gamwto. Apoye exei upai0ria sunaulia ths Metropolitan Opera -
Verdi, Rigoletto gia thn akribeia, sto Central Park. Einai h teleia
eukairia. Edw kai duo meres sxediazw thn apoyinh bradia, mexri thn
teleutaia leptomereia: Ti krasi 0a ferw, pw's 0a kataferw na 3emonaxiasw
se kamia gwnia tou parkou kapoio apo ta e3wtika louloudia pou 0a einai
mazi
mas apoye, ti 0a ths pw, pw's o mesogeios erasths mesa mou 0a epitelesei
to ergo tou gia na thn kanei na gelasei, na skeftei, kai kuriws na noiwsei
omorfh... Logariasa omws xwris ton 3enodoxo. Se mia wra exoume rantebou,
kai den exei stamathsei na yixalizei oute stigmh apo to prwi. To mono
pragma mountotero apo ton ourano auth th stigmh einai h dia0esh mou,
blepontas oti o Megalos ekei panw paei na mou kanei xalastra.
O Spuros phre prin na mou pei oti thlefwnhse stous upeu0unous tou parkou,
kai oti h parastash den prokeitai na anablh0ei bre3ei-xionisei, o kosmos
na xalasei. Pali kala - an ema0a kati 3odeuontas ta kalokairia twn
neanikwn mou xronwn stous baltous ths Agglias, se trihmera rock festival
kata th diarkeia trihmerwn kataigidwn, mouskema ws to medouli, einai oti
h lasph kai to kruo, se sundiasmo me mousikh, mas fernoun pio konta se
truferes kai adunames upar3eis. 0ee mou, elpizw na mhn mas sthsoun oi
pitsirikes... 0a 'nai arage sto estiatorio opou 0a sunanthsw ton Spuro
se ligo;
Mallon oxi. O Spuros ka0etai monos kai katebazei tis mpiftekares tou
ston Mparmpa-Niko, thn agaphmenh tou Ellhnikh taberna edw sto West Side.
To prwto pragma pou kanw mpainontas einai na paraggeilw frape. Metrio,
me _LIGO_ gala parakalw.
"Mpa, pw's kai sthn wra sou shmera;" mou apeu0unei xairetismo o Spuros.
"Skasmos anohte, kai mh milas me gemato to stoma. Pou' einai o upoloipos
kosmos;"
"Opou na 'nai erxetai o Filippos. Tis Gallides 0a tis sunanthsoume ekei
pera stis 7:30."
Oi Gallides... Ti foberh parea ki auth! H mia pio wraia apo thn allh,
olo zoumi kai to koukoutsi mugdalo einai oi atimes. Kai 3upnies kiolas
epipleon, ws extra bonus. To kako einai oti mou aresoun kai oi treis,
h ka0e mia gia tous dikous ths logous, ki ama mple3w me th mia, kala
0a kanw na 3exasw tis alles duo. Fusika, ws gnhsios Zugos, den mporw
na katastala3w: Poia apo tis treis m' aresei perissotero; Nomizw oti
3erw, alla isws to krasi apoye me boh0hsei na apofasisw gia ta kala
epitelous - ti sto diabolo, edw kai deka xronia to alkool de m' exei
prodwsei pote se 0emata tetoiwn shmantikwn apofasewn.
"Niko, kafe!", o tritos Ellhnas ths apoyinhs pareas dinei to parasun0hma
ston estiatora, prin akoma perasei kala-kala to katwfli ths tabernas.
Bre kalws to Filippa, giati arghses, pou' einai h dikia sou, ki ola ta
sxetika. H "dikia" tou, mia glukia latina seniorita onomati Patricia,
0a mas sunanthsei ki auth ekei pera stis 7:30.
Periergh polh h Nea Uorkh. Oi ourano3ustes pou se perikuklwnoun den
afhnoun peri0wria amfibolias gia to pou' akribws briskesai. Omws kati
gwnies san tou Mparmpa-Nikou, mia trupa ston toixo anamesa stous
gualinous gigantes, opou treis Ellhnes ka0ontai touto to apogeuma
pinontas frape, milwntas gia gunaikes, gia podosfairo, gia mousikh, se
kanoun na noiw0eis les kai briskesai pisw sthn patrida. Na noiw0eis pws
bgainontas 0' antikruseis thn Akropolh sto ba0os, les kai tosh wra
ka0osouna se kapoio koutouki sto 0hseio, ki oxi sthn kardia ths geitonias
pou oi idioi ths oi katoikoi apokaloun "Hell's Kitchen". Pou' tetoia
tuxh bebaia... De bariesai omws, toulaxiston h apoyinh bradia problepetai
endiaferousa, kai ta3i briskeis pio eukola edw ap' o,ti sto kentro ths
A0hnas.
"102nd Street and 5th please, take Central Park West." Prwtofanes sta
xronika ths Neas Uorkhs, o Indos (h' Pakistanos h' kati tetoio telos
pantwn) ta3itzhs 3erei arketa Agglika wste na to piasei me thn prwth.
Diasxizontas to Central Park, o proorismos mas fainetai apo to aristero
para0uro tou ta3i: H skhnh kalummenh apo mia asprh tenta pou profulassei
thn orxhstra apo thn pi0anh kataigida, kai stous lofous trigurw xiliades
kosmos, aptohtos apo th shmerinh aprosmenh epideinwsh tou kairou,
3aplwmenos sto grasidi. Arghsame gamwto, kai mallon den 0a broume kalh
0esh.
Bgainontas apo to ta3i, o Filippos trexei na brei thn Patricia, enw o
Spuros ki egw entopizoume tis Gallides. H Veronique kai h Coreen einai
hdh ekei, h Florian telika den 0a 'r0ei. Wraia, oi nees e3eli3eis
aplopoioun to problhma mou kata to en trito. H Veronique einai h pio
omorfh apo tis Gallides. Ws sunh0ws einai mia koukla, enas 3an0os
aggelos ntumenos sta maura. Kapws etsi fantazomai thn proswpopoihsh ths
0hlukothtas, san th Veronique. H Coreen omws wres-wres 3upnaei to zwo
mesa mou, me ta klasika mesogeiaka xarakthristika ths, to magnhtiko ths
blemma, ki ena kormi pou apexei men apo ton orismo tou teleiou, alla askei
th dikia tou el3h. Opws eixame kanonisei, emeis ferame to krasi, autes ta
fagwsima: Turia diafora, fois gras, Galliko ywmi, kai stafuli. To teleio
pik-nik!
Oloi edw; Wraia, as proxwrame siga-siga pros th skhnh. H Coreen mou leei
gia ta ywnia pou ekane shmera, enw prospoioumai oti endiaferomai ba0utata
gia ta papoutsia pou agorase. Pisw mou proxwraei o Filippos, milaei me
thn Patricia. O Spuros exei piasei thn Veronique agkaze, kai zhleuw. Giati
zhleuw arage, afou den trexei tipota meta3u tous; 3erw gw, ti na pw,
abussos h yuxh tou an0rwpou... Gurw mas sto grasidi ka0ontai ametrhtes
parees kai zeugarakia, xaroumena proswpa pou moiazoun sa na bghkan apo
kapoio epeisodio tou "Friends" h' kapoias paromoias thleoptikhs seiras.
Koubentiazoun, gelane, flertaroun, kai agnooun epideiktika thn eperxomenh
mpora. Mou kanei entupwsh o xamhlos mesos oros hlikias, den perimena
tosous pollous eikosarhdes kai parees ths genias mou se parastash Verdi
upo broxh. Koita na deis telika pou exoume kai koultoura!
A, wraia - na ena kalo kai sxetika stegno shmeio gia n' ara3oume: Arketa
konta sth skhnh wste n' akoume kala kai na blepoume ti ginetai, kai
arketa makria wste na leme tis saxlamares mas xwris na enoxloume tous
pio porwmenous filous ths operas. Aplwnoume thn kouberta, bgazoume ta
papoutsia, ka0omaste. H Veronique ka0etai akribws mprosta mou. H Coreen
ntrimplarei ton Filippo gia na katsei dipla mou. Kalo shmadi auto
skeftomai, anagnwrizontas stis kinhseis ths th gnwrimh manoubra twn
a0wwn gumnasiakwn mou xronwn. Merika pragmata den allazoun pote, kai
den mporw na sugkrathsw ena xamogelo...
To prwto mpoukali krasi anoigei. Kaba Mpoutarh kokkino, 1992. Apo ta
kala Ellhnika kokkina, toulaxiston apo ta krasia eureias kukloforias
pou ta briskeis ki edw sthn Amerikh. O tupos pou exei ara3ei sth diplanh
kouberta me thn 3an0oula omws mou ebale ta gualia, o pousths koubalhse
kala gualina krasopothra, enw emeis prepei na sumbibastoume me plastika
kupellakia. Tou bgazw to kapelo kai krataw shmeiwseis gia mellontikh
xrhsh, ghraskw aei didaskomenos.
H orxhstra kourdizei, to bouhto muriadwn suzhthsewn peri tipota tou
sugkekrimenou kopazei. H prosoxh twn pantwn strefetai pros th skhnh, ap'
opou 3exunetai mia glukia melwdia, "Questa O Quella": o megas mphxths
Doukas ths Mantua kamakwnei thn komhssa Ceprano, mprosta sta matia tou
antra ths. Sto pla.i. mou h Coreen pinei mia goulia apo to krasi ths kai
mou xamogelaei. Antapodidw to xamogelo, alla molis strefei thn prosoxh
ths pros th skhnh, to blemma mou kollaei sa magemeno sth lepth sa
daxtulidi mesh ths Veronique, thn ayogh plath ths, ton 0e.i.ko laimo ths.
Einai toso teleia pou moiazei sxedon yeutikh, den xortainw na thn koitaw,
alla fobamai na thn akoumphsw, fobamai mhn anakaluyw oti ontws einai
yeutikh, fobamai mhpws ta xeria mou piasoun aera kai perasoun apo mesa
ths san se tainia episthmonikhs fantasias, oti den einai para mia optasia.
Sth skhnh o Rigoletto, o gelwtopoios tou Douka, peripaizei ton aboh0hto
kerata Komh Ceprano, alla noiw0w sa na koro.i.deuei emena pou skeftomai
tetoies blakeies.
Oso h melwdia kai h plokh xtizontai, toso dunamwnei kai h broxh. Do3a
tw 0ew, exoume tsigara kai krasi gia zestasia. H Coreen kollaei panw
mou, oi ormones barane overdrive, kai pairnw thn apofash mou. To
dialeimma konteuei, h broxh stamataei, to feggari 3eproballei panw apo
ton ourano ths Neas Uorkhs, wra na drasw.
"Pame mia bolta;" yi0urizw sto auti ths Coreen.
Me koitaei. Xwris na pei le3h shkwnetai, proxwrame pros tous lofous
sto ba0os, pera apo to ghpedo tou baseball, enw oi teleutaies notes
ths prwths pra3hs mas 3eprobodizoun. Aperanto einai auto to parko,
h' toulaxiston etsi mou fainetai emena, ka0ws badizoume se anazhthsh
mia hsuxhs gwnias gia merika lepta pou mou fainontai ws aiwniothta. H
anamonh omws a3ize ton kopo, skeftomai ka0ws arazw sth riza enos
gerikou peukou - to xaroumeno bouhto tou aoratou apo dw pera kosmou
pou 3emoudiazei oso h orxhstra pairnei mia anasa, ta pitsirikia sto
ba0os pou klwtsane ena topi, ta fwta tou Harlem pera apo ta boreia
oria tou parkou, kai h Coreen antikru mou... Bgazw apo thn tseph thn
pisth mou tampakiera, stribw ena joint, to anabw, 3aplwnw sto ugro
grasidi. H Gallida pairnei mia tzoura, 3aplwnei pla.i. mou. Molis
twra suneidhtopoiw poso liga pragmata 3erw gi' authn, an kai apoye
einai h trith fora pou thn blepw. Isws einai kalutera etsi.
Ths xa.i.deuw ta mallia, to magoulo, ton laimo. Antapokrinetai sto
aggigma mou sa gata, tentwnetai, tribetai sto xeri mou. To fili mas
einai ugro, sta xeilh ths geuomai krasi, 0alassa, kai to arwma tou
parkou, ola monomias. Gia mia stigmh den uparxei tipota allo ston
kosmo ektos apo tous duo' mas, akoma kai h Veronique den einai para
mia axnh, 0olh eikona sto mualo mou, mexri pou oi makrinoi hxoi ths
orxhstras zwntaneuoun tis skeyeis tou Douka gia th megalh tou agaph,
thn Gilda, "Parmi Veder De Lagrime". To dialeimma teleiwse, pame na
broume tous allous.
Ftanoume akribws th stigmh pou o Filippos straggizei to teleutaio
mpoukali krasi sto pothri ths Patricia. Ston kosmo tous autoi oi duo,
amfiballw an phrane kan xampari oti leipame tosh wra. H Veronique exei
apokoimh0ei sthn agkalia tou Spurou, o opoios mou kleinei to mati.
"Kalh h mikrh;"
"Kalh". De nomizw oti to eipa arketa peistika. Pw's 0a mporousa omws,
afou ka0e fora pou blepw th Veronique kati pa0ainw; h Coreen 3aplwnei,
xrhsimopoiwntas to sth0os mou ws ma3ilari. Paizw me ta mallia ths kai
trexw ta daxtula mou sta xeilh ths, alla sto mualo mou exw th Veronique,
oso ki an to paleuw. Me pianoun tuyeis. "La Donna E Mobile", ftero ston
anemo gunaikas moiazei, tragoudaei o Doukas. Auth th stigmh omws, to
ftero eimai egw - kai den mporw na pw oti eimai idiaitera perhfanos
gi' auto. Oxi oti auto 0a me stamathsei apoye bebaia, pote' den m' exei
stamathsei. Aplws 0a me kanei na noiw0w skata gia olh thn upoloiph
ebdomada, meta 0a to 3eperasw kai ftou ki ap' thn arxh. Prospa0w omws
na balw tis metafusikes mou anhsuxies sthn akrh gia twra, h Coreen me
0elei apoye, kai eimai upoxrewmenos apo ton andriko kwdika timhs na
epitelesw to ka0hkon mou. Pw's to 'pe o makariths o John Wayne; "A man's
gotta do what a man's gotta do"... Oxi oti paraponiemai dhladh, mhn
eimaste ki axaristoi!
Teleutaia skhnh: H korh tou Rigoletto pe0ainei sthn agkalia tou patera
ths, zhtwntas sugxwresh. Xeirokrothma, upoklish tou maestrou, o kosmos
shkwnetai, pisth sto rantebou ths h broxh 3anarxizei. H nuxta einai akoma
nea, oute kan 11 den exei paei. H bradia 0a sunexistei kapou allou. Thn
allh ebdomada sto parko exei Verdi, La Traviata...

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