JotD / QotD Ελληνική Λίστα Ανεκδότων (JotD)


Θέμα: Elephant Jokes



(nil): G.Stathakopoulos (stathako(@)ceid.upatras.gr)
Ημερομηνία: Τετ 11 Μάρ 1998 - 17:09:45 EET

Elephant Jokes

 Q: Where do you find elephants?
 A: It depends on where you lost them.

  Q: Why do elephants wear blue tennis shoes?
 A: Because the white ones get dirty too fast.

  Q: Why do elephants live in herds?
 A: To get a wholesale reduction on the blue tennis shoes.

  Q: Why do elephants float on their backs?
 A: So they don't get their tennis shoes wet.

  Q: What goes clomp,clomp,clomp, squish ,clomp,clomp,clomp, swish..?
 A: An elephant with a wet tennis shoe!

  Q: How many elephants can you fit in a taxi?
 A: Four. (One next to the driver and 3 in back)

  Q: How many giraffes can you fit in a taxi?
 A: None, it's full of elephants.

  Q: What sport do elephants play in a taxi?
 A: Squash.

  Q: How do you know when an elephant is visiting your house?
 A: There's a taxi outside with three elephants in it.

  Q: How do you put an elephant into refrigerator?
 A: Open door, put elephant in, close door.

  Q: How do you put a giraffe into refrigerator?
 A: Open door, get elephant out, put giraffe in, close door.

  Q: How can you tell when there's been an elephant in your refrigerator?
 A: Footprints in the butter.

  Q: How can you tell when there is an elephant in your refrigerator?
 A: Blue tennis shoes are left outside.

 Q: How can you tell when there are two elephants in you refrigerator?
 A: It's rather hard to close the door.

 Q:How can you tell when there've been four elephants in your
refrigerator?
 A:There's a taxi waiting outside.

  Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
 A: Fridge is not large enough to hold them all.

 Q: What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?
 A: Sir.

 Q: What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
 A: Anything you want, it can't hear you.

 Q: Why do elephants drink so much?
 A: To try to forget.

 Q: What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey,
yellow,
 grey, yellow?
 A: An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth!

 Q: Why did the Elephant stand on the marshmellow?
 A: So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.

 Q: How do you know if you pass an elephant?
 A: You can't get the toilet seat down.

 Q: How do elephants get up into oak trees?
 A: They sit on an acorn and wait.

 Q: How do elephants get down from oak trees?
 A: They sit on a leaf and wait for autumn.

  Q: Why are crocodiles long, thin, and flat?
 A: They walk under trees in Autumn.

 Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
 A: From jumping out of oak trees - they're impatient!

 Q: Why do elephants wear blue tennis shoes?
 A: To soften their landing when they jump out of oak trees.

 Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
 A: Because it was dead.

 Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
 A: It was glued to the first one.

 Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
 A: It thought it was a game.

 Q: And why did the tree fall down?
 A: It thought it was an elephant.

 Q: Why shouldn't you go into the woods at 5 o'clock?
 A: Because that is when the elephants do their parachute jumping.

 Q: What is a furry alligator?
 A: A bear that went into the woods at 5 o'clock.

 Q: Why are the pygmies so small?
 A: They can't tell time!

 Q: Why are elephants feet shaped that way?
 A: To fit on lily pads.

 Q: Why isn't it safe to go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the
 afternoon?
 A: That's when the elephants are walking on the lily pads.

 Q: Why are frogs so short?
 A: They go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon.

 Q: What happens when an elephant sits in front of you at the movies?
 A: You miss most of the picture!

 Q: What kind of elephants live at the North Pole?
 A: Cold ones.

 Q: What is convenient and weighs 20,000 pounds?
 A: An elephant six-pack.

 Q: Why do elephants have cracks between their toes?
 A: For carrying their library cards.

 Q: Why do elephants have wrinkled knees?
 A: From playing marbles...

 Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a gorilla?
 A: A sore gorilla.

 Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rat?
 A: A dead rat with an 18 inch asshole!

 Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
 A: Bloody great holes all over Australia.

 Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a whale?
 A: A submarine with built-in snorkel.

 Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
 A: Elephino.

 Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?
 A: A two-ton pickup.

 Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a mountain climber?
 A: Zero - a mountain climber is a scaler.

 Q: Have you heard about Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants?
 A: None of the offspring survived.

 Q: What do you say when an elephant sneezes?
 A: "Gezundheit."

 Q: What's the gook between elephant's toenails?
 A: Slow natives.

 Q: How can you tell when an elephant is getting ready to charge?
 A: He asks if you accept Visa.

 Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
 A: Time to get a new fence.

 Q: Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools?
 A: Because they might let down their trunks.

 Q: Why do elephants travel in herds?
 A: Because if they traveled in flocks they might be mistaken for sheep.

 Q: What looks like an elephant and flies?
 A: A flying elephant.

 Q: How can you tell the difference between a grape and an elephant?
 A: Grapes are purple.

 Q: How can you tell the difference between a grape and an elephant if
 you're color blind?
 A: Dance on it for awhile. If you don't get any wine, it's an elephant.

 Q: What did the grape say when the elephants stood on it?
 A: Nothing, it just let out a little whine.

 Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape?
 A: Cos(Theta) Note: Assumes |elephant| = |grape| = 1

  Q: What did Hannibal say when he saw elephants coming over the hill?
 A: "Look, there's elephants coming over the hill."

 Q: What did he say when he saw elephants with sunglasses on, coming over
 the hill?
 A: Nothing, he didn't recognize them.

 Q: What did Hannibal say when he saw giraffes with sunglasses on coming
 over the hill?
 A: "Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"

 Q: What did the elephants say when they saw Hannibal coming over the
hill?

 A: Nothing, elephants can't talk.

 Q: What did Charles de Gaulle say when he saw three elephants in
 sunglasses coming down the path?
 A: Voila les elephants.

 Q: What did Jane say when she saw the elephants over the hill?
 A: "Here comes a bunch of grapes over the hill". She was colourblind.

 Q: What is the difference between an Indian and an African elephant?
 A: About three thousand miles.

 Q: What is the difference between an elephant and a mailbox?
 A: You don't know? I'll never give you a letter to post!

 Q: What is the difference between an elephant and a piece of paper?
 A: You can't make a paper airplane out of an elephant.

 Q: What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant?
 A: About 40 lbs.

 Q: How do you equalize the two?
 A: Feed the elephant.

 Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
 A: To stamp out forest fires.

 Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
 A: To stamp out burning ducks!!

 Q: Why do giraffes have long necks?
 A: To spit on burning elephants!!

 Q: What's grey and puts out forest fires?
 A: Smokey the Elephant.

 Q: Why do elephants wear small green hats?
 A: So they can sneak across pool tables unobserved.

 Q: Why do elephants wear green nail polish?
 A: So they can hide in a pea patch.

 Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red, green and orange?
 A: So they can hide in smartie boxes.

 Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
 A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.

 Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?
 A: No? Well, it must work then.

 Q: By the way, what is the black triangle sticking out of the custard?
 A: It's a shark. That's why the elephants hide...

 Q: Why do elephants paint their balls red?
 A: to hide in cherry trees.

 Q: How did Tarzan die?
 A: Picking cherries.

 Q: What makes the loudest noise in the jungle?
 A: Monkeys eating the cherries.

 Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?
 A: It's bike is outside.

 Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?
 A: There is a dent in the cross-bar.

 Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
 A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.

 Q: What is more difficult than getting an elephant into the back seat of
your
 car?
 A: Getting two elephants into the back seat of your car!

 Q: What is more difficult than getting 2 elephants in the back seat of
your
 car?
 A: Getting a pregnant elephant in the back seat of your car!

 Q: Whats more difficult than gettiny a pregnant elephant in the back seat
of
 your car?
 A: Getting an elephant pregnant in the back seat of your car!

 Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
 A: With a blue elephant gun.

 Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
 A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue,
and
 then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

 Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?
 A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns
blue, and
 then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

 Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
 A: There are no yellow elephants.

 Q: How do you get an elephant out of the water?
 A: Wet.

 Q: How do you get two elephants out of the water?
 A: One by one.

 Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
 A: Sole use of the elevator.

 Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
 A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.

 Q: Why don't elephants drink martinis?
 A: Have you ever tried to get an olive out of your nose?

 Q: How do you run over an elephant?
 A: Climb up it's tail, dash to it's head and slide down its trunk.

 Q: How do you get down off an elephant?
 A: You don't. You get down off a duck.

 Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?
 A: So that they don't sink in the sand.

 Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
 A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.

 Q: What sound you get when you drop an elephant down a mineshaft?
 A: A-flat minor.

 Q: What sound do you get when you drop an elephant into an army camp?
 A: A-flat major.

 Q: How dow you get an elephant to come in a thimble?
 A: Stuff a bale of hay in it.

 Q: How do you stuff a bale of hay in a thimble?
 A: One straw at a time.

 Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
 A: Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.

 Q: How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
 A: Two, but you need a real big bulb.

 Q: What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road?
 A: Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung).

 Q: What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road?
 A: He stamped it to death and then said "Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!".

 Q: Why do elephants have big ears?
 A: Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom. ( Noddy, Big Ears, get it? )

 Q: What is grey and lights up?
 A: An electric elephant.

 Q: What is grey, has big ears, and a trunk?
 A: A mouse going on holidays!

 Q: Dow do you stop a herd of elephants from charging?
 A: Take away their credit-cards.

 Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
 A: So they can jump up in trees and rape monkeys.

 Q: What sound do monkeys hate most?
 A: Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...

 Q: Why do elephants need trunks?
 A: Because they don't have glove compartments.

 Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
 A: Because they'd look silly carrying suitcases.

 Q: What's grey, has four legs, and a trunk?
 A: An elephant going on vacation.

 Q: What's brown, has four legs, and a trunk?
 A: The same elephant, coming back from vacation.

 Q: Why do elephants lay on their backs?
 A: To trip low flying canaries.

 Q: Why did the elephant have a yellow spot on his ass?
 A: He wasn't laying on his back.

 Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
 A: Chicken's day off.

 Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
 A: To pick up the squashed chicken.

 Q: How does an elephant get out of a phone booth?
 A: The same way he got in.

 Q: Why do elephants have wrinkles?
 A: Ever tried to iron an elephant?

 Q: How do you get an elephant into a matchbox?
 A: Take out all the matches first.

 Q: What does an elephant smell like before he takes a shower?
 A: An elephant.

 Q: What does an elephant smell like after he takes a shower?
 A: A wet elephant.

 Q: What do you call elephants who ride on trains?
 A: Passengers.

 Q: What did the elephant say when he walked into the bar?
 A: Ouch.

 Q: Why don't elephants drink martinis?
 A: You wouldn't either if you'd ever gotten an olive stuck up your nose.

 Q: Where do baby elephants come from?
 A: Big storks.

 Q: What's grey on the inside and pink and white on the outside?
 A: An inside out elephant.

 Q: What is grey and not there.
 A: No elephants.

 Q: Why are elephants large, grey and wrinkled?
 A: Because if they were small, white and smooth they'd be aspirins.

 Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
 A: Have you ever tried to iron one?

 Q: How many legs does an elephant have?
 A: Four, two in the front, two in the back.

 Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
 A: Optimistic!

 Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
 A: Free Parking.

 Q: Why do elephants lie on their backs with their feet in the air?
 A: So they can trip birds.

 Q: What do you call a six ton elephant walking down the street?
 A: Sir!

 Q: Why are chickens white and elephants grey?
 A: So you can tell them from bluebirds.

 Q: Why don't elephants ride bicycles?
 A: They don't have thumbs to ring the bell.

 Q: How do you make an elephant float?
 A: Take two scoops of ice-cream, coca cola and one elephant.

 Q: Why can't two elephants go swimming?
 A: They only have one pair of trunks between them.

 Q: Why did the elephant dry the dishes with a blue dish towl?
 A: Because they were wet!

 Q: Why don't elephants like blue lace petticoats?
 A: Who says they don't like them?

 Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
 A: Time to get a new fence.

 Q: Why do elephants live in herds?
 A: To get a wholesale reduction on the blue tennis shoes.

 Q: How do you smuggle an elephant across the border?
 A: Put a slice of bread on each side, and call him "lunch".

  Q: What was the elephant doing on the motorway?
 A: About 5 mph (8kph in the rest of the world)

 Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the
 street wearing pink sweatshirts?
 A: They're all on the same team.

 Q: How do you know if there's an elephant in bed?
 A: He has a big 'E' on his pajamas jacket pocket.

 Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?
 A: Lots of room.

 Q: What do you do with a elephant with 3 balls?
 A: Walk him and pitch to the bear.

  Q: What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers?
 A: Cinderelephant.

 Q: What do elephants take when they get hysterical?
 A: Trunkquilizers.

 Q: What is grey, has large wings, a long nose, and gives money to
elephants?

 A: The Tusk Fairy.

 Q: Where do elephants with skincare problems go?
 A: Pachydermatologists.

 Q: How do elephants talk to each other?
 A: By 'elephone.

 Q: What's red & white on the outside, and grey on the inside?
 A: Campbell's Cream of Elephant Soup.

 Q: What has two tails, two trunks and five feet?
 A: An elephant with spare parts.

 Q: What has two grey legs and two brown legs?
 A: An elephant with diarrhea.

 Q: How do you get 1,000 elephants into a shopping cart at Safeway.
 A: To get the answer, you'd better get the 'S' out of Safe and the 'F'
out of
 the way.

 Q: Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools?
 A: Because they might let down their trunks.

 Q: How do you make an elephant fly?
 A: Start with a 3 foot zipper.

 Q: What is the height of ambition?
 A: An ant climbing an elephant's leg with the intention of rape.

 Q: What did one elephant say to the other elephant when he realized he'd
 stepped on a pygmie?
 A: Look what I just stepped in!

 Q: What do elephants use for condoms?
 A: Snakes.

 Q: What do elephants use for vibrators?
 A: Epileptic pygmies.

 Q: What do elephants use as tampons?
 A: Sheep.

 Q: Why do elephants have long trunks?
 A: Sheep don't have strings.

 Q: Why does an elephant have four feet?
 A: Because ten inches isn't enough.

 Q: How do you know when an elephant has its period?
 A: There is a quarter on your dresser and your mattress is missing.

 Q: What is an elephant's sex organ?
 A: His foot... If he steps on you you're screwed!

 Q: What did the female elephant say during sex?
 A: "Can I be on top this time?"

 Q: What did the elephant say to the nude man?
 A: Cute, but can you breathe through it?

 Q: What do you do when you come across an elephant?
 A: Wipe it off!

 Q: How does the male elephant find the female elephant when she's lying
 down in tall grass?
 A: Very attractive.

 Q: How do you know when an elephant has been screwing in you're yard?
 A: The flower beds are crushed and you are missing a garbage bag!

 Q: What do you do when you see a thousand elephants coming down the
 mountain slopes?
 A: Swim for your life!

 Q: What does an elephant with a runny nose (trunk) need?
 A: A blow job.

 Q: What's big and green and slimy, and hangs from tall trees?
 A: Elephant boogers.

 Q: What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
 A: Grab a pail.

 Q: What's the biggest drawback of the jungle?
 A: An elephant's foreskin.

 Q: Heard of the wallet made of elephant foreskin?
 A: When you rub it, it turns into a briefcase.

Giorgos

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