(nil): Constantinos Dassios (cdassios+(@)andrew.cmu.edu)
Ημερομηνία: Παρ 21 Νοέ 1997 - 23:56:57 CET
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Reply-To: Demetrios Kalaboukas <dkalabou(@)PINE.SHU.AC.UK>
Sender: The Hellenic Discussion List <HELLAS(@)AMERICAN.EDU>
From: Demetrios Kalaboukas <dkalabou(@)PINE.SHU.AC.UK>
Subject: 205 Blonde jokes
> 1. Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
> A: Gifted!
> 2. Q: How do blonde braincells die ?
> A: Alone.
> 5. Q: How does a blonde part their hair?
> A: (Action of scissoring legs apart)
> 6. Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
> A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!
> 11. Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
> A: You can park in the handicap zone.
> 12. Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle?
> A: They both get fucked up when they're on their back.
> 13. Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
> A: Humpme Dumpme.
> 14. Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
> A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
> 15. Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
> A: It takes too long to retrain them.
> 16. Q1: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
> A: There's white-out on the screen.
> Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
> A: There's writing on the white-out.
> 17. Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
> A: By the buckle print on her forehead.
> 19. Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
> A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering
> what she did with her pencil.
> 21. Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
> A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.
> 23. Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
> A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they
> go down on you.
> 25. Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
> A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!
> 26. Q: How do you kill a blonde?
> A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
> 29. Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their
> A: All you can eat, under a buck.
> 30. Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
> A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.
> 31. Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
> A: They can't find the zipper.
> 32. Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earings?
> A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.
> 33. Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more
> A: Her ankles.
> 34. Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
> A: Because red means stop.
> 35. Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick?
> A: Because red means "Stop, wrong hole."
> 36. Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators?
> A: They chip their teeth.
> 37. Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
> A: They make good ankle warmers.
> 38. Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
> A: Cause their balls show!
> 39. Q: What do blondes do for foreplay?
> A: Remove their underwear.
> 47. Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
> A: Toes go in first.
> 48. Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
> A: Tits go in front.
> 49. Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
> A: "Have another beer."
> 50. Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning ?
> A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.
> 51. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
> A1: Introduces themself.
> A2: Walks home.
> 52. Q: How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
> A: Fertilised.
> 54. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
> A: Opens the car door.
> 55. Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex ?
> A: Kick open the car door.
> 57. Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
> A: More leg room.
> 59. Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
> A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.
> 60. Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
> A: To turn the blinker off.
> 61. Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
> A: An Air Bag.
> 62. Q: Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde
> drives a car?
> A: Cause she blows the horn!!!!!
> 64. Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blond?
> A: Bucket seats.
> 65. Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
> A1: Thanks Guys.
> A2: Are you boys all in the same band/team?
> A3: Do you guys all play for the Swans?
> 66. Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
> A: 'Cause everybody gets a turn.
> 67. Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
> A: 'Cause she's been laid all over the country.
> 68. Q: What important question does a blonde ask his/her mate before
> having sex?
> A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?
> 69. Q: Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm?
> A: *Who cares?*
> 70. Q: Why do blonds have orgasms ?
> A: So they know when to stop having sex !
> A1: She drops her nail-file!!!
> A2: Who cares?
> A3: She say 'Next'
> A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder
> A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes
> A6: The batteries have run out.
> 72. Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
> A: "Thanks for the refill!"
> 75. Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
> A1: "What's a lightbulb?"
> A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
> A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"
> 78. Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
> A1: They both have a black box.
> A2: Both have a cockpit.
> 79. Q: What is the difference between a blond and a 747?
> A: Not everyone has been in a 747
> 80. Q: What does a dumb blonde say when she gives birth?
> A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine?
> 81. Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
> A: "Are you sure it's mine?"
> 82. Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant?
> A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.
> 83. Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
> A: Tell her she's pregnant.
> 84. Q: What will she ask you?
> A: "Is it mine?"
> 86. Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
> A: To see what was on the other side.
> 88. Q: Why do Blondes take the pill?
> A: So they know what day of the week it is.
> 89. Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
> A: Because it kept falling out.
> 91. Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
> A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!
> 94. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
> A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
> 95. Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde?
> A: Butter is difficult to spread.
> 96. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
> A: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
> A2: There is no difference. They're both round and have
> three holes to poke.
> 97. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
> A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".
> 99. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
> A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.
> 100. Q: What's the difference between a blonde girl and a blond guy?
> A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.
> 101. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
> A: Not everybody has been in a limo.
> 102. Q: What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sl
> A: One's a bunch a cunning runts ...
> 103 Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
> A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.
> 104. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
> A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.
> 108. Q: What is the difference between a blond and a toilet?
> A: A toilet won't follow you around after you use it.
> 109. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
> A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a
> blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."
> 110. Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
> A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it
> won't follow you around for a week.
> 111. Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common ?
> A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.
> 112. Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
> A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.
> 113. Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
> A: They're both empty from the neck up.
> 114. Q: What do blonds and spagetthii have in common?
> A: They both wriggle when you eat them.
> 115. Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?
> A: They both have black roots.
> 117. Q: Why did the deaf blond sit on a newspaper?
> A: So she could lip read.
> 118. Q: How do you drown a blond?
> A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
> 119. Q: How do you drown a blonde?
> A: Don't tell her to swallow.
> 121. Q: Why do blonds have square boobs?
> A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
> 122. Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?
> A1: 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.
> A2: Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.
> 124. Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
> A: For throwing out the W's.
> 126. Q: What did the blonde's mum say to her before the blonde's date.
> A: If you're not in bed by 12, come home.
> 128. Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
> A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."
> 129. Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
> A: She kept having affairs with men!
> 130. Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
> A: She threw it off a cliff.
> 131. Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
> A: She drowns it.
> 132. Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
> puzzle in only 6 months?
> A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
> 133. Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
> A: "Nice tits!"
> 135. Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
> A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper
> 136. Q: Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts?
> A: Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor.
> 137. Q: Why do blondes have legs?
> A1: So they don't get stuck to the ground.
> A2: To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.
> A3: So they don't leave trails, like little snails.
> 138. Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around
> and come home?
> A: It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a
> 139. Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?
> A: The Blonde!
> 140. Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
> A: Flattered.
> 141. Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives?
> A: They always forget the 11 in 9-1-1.
> 142. Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked
> up by 'the fuzz'?
> A: 'No. But I've been swung around by the tits.'
> 144. Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
> A: A mental block.
> 145. Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
> A: A wind tunnel.
> 146. Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
> A: A dope ring.
> 147. Q: What do you call a blond with a bag of sugar on her head ?
> A: Sweet Fuck All...
> 149. Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
> A: Frosted Flakes.
> 150. Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
> A: Last year's hide-and-seek champ.
> 151. Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
> A: A Space Invader.
> 152. Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
> A: Branch Manager.
> 153. Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?
> A: She fell out of the tree.
> 154. Q: What do you call a smart blond?
> A: A labrador.
> 155. Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
> A: A 69 interrupted by a period.
> 157. Q: Why do blonds have two more brain cells than a cow ?
> A1: So they don't shit everywhere when you pull their tits.
> A2: So that when you pull their tits, they don't moo.
> 158. Q: Why aren't BLONDES good cattle herders?
> A: Because the can't even keep two calves together!
> 159. Q: Why don't blonds breast feed?
> A: Because they always burn their nipples.
> 160. Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
> A: To cover up the valve stem.
> 161. Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
> A: Spot.
> 163. Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
> A: The back of her head.
> 164. Q: Why do blondes drive VW's
> A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!!
> 165. Q: How do you make a blond laugh on Monday mornings ?
> A: Tell them a joke on Friday night !
> 166. Q: Why did God create blondes?
> A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
> 167. Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
> A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
> A2: So that when they're on the train they can tell
> if they're going to work or coming home.
> 168. Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling ?
> A: A blond electrician
> 169. Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
> A1: So brunettes can remember them.
> A2: Because blonds are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit.
> 170. Q: Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde ????
> A: She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children!
> 171. Q: Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
> A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
> 172. Q: Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute?
> A: Because she gave blow-jobs literally.
> 173. Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
> A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.
> 174. Q: Why did they call the blond twinkle?
> A: She liked to be filled with cream.
> 175. Q: What did the blonde do when she got her period?
> A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her?
> 176. Q: Why do blondes have periods?
> A: They deserve them
> 177. Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
> A: "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"
> 178. Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ?
> A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.
> 179. Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookie
> A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
> 180. Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
> A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetise them.
> 181. Q: How does a blonde hold her liquor?
> A: By the ears.
> 182. Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
> A: Change.
> 183. Q: How does a blonde moonwalk?
> A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!
> 184. Q: Why do blonde's find it difficult to marry?
> A: Because you don't have to marry them for sex!
> 185. Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla?
> A: Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do...
> 186. Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see
> where the sun went ? It finally dawned on here.
> 187. A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw
> a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute,
> she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.
> On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said
> "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she
> had cleaned 43 restrooms.
> 188. How about the suicide blonde,
> she dyed by her own hand.
> 189. A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette
> says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie". The blonde stops,
> looks up, and says, "Where?"
> 190. A blonde was walking along, when she looked up
> to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the
> bird drops a load when it was directly over her.
> The blonde says, "Good thing I had my mouth
> open, or that would've hit me right in the face!!!"
> Or: "Good thing that cows don't fly."
> 191. A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the
> wrong way on a one-way street.
> Cop: Do you know where you were going?
> Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the
> people were leaving.
> 192. A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway.
> "Miss, may I see your driver's licence please?"
> "Driver's licence? What's that?..."
> "It's a little card with your picture on it."
> "Oh, duh! Here it is..."
> "May I have your car insurance?"
> "What's that?..."
> "It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car."
> "Oh this? Duh! Here you go..."
> The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde
> "Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!"
> 193. Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron", then we
> could do without the ironing lady.
> Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to Fuck me properly we could do
> without the gardener.
> 194. A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
> Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
> Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
> Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
> Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.
> 195. Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of
> them decides to call 911:
> Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing
> a light bulb.
> Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
> Blonde: Yes.
> Operator: The power in the house in on?
> Blonde: Of course.
> Operator: And the switch is on?
> Blonde: Yes, yes.
> Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
> Blonde: No, it's working fine.
> Operator: Then what's the problem?
> Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and
> we all fell and hurt ourselves.
> 196. What about the blond guy whose wife gave birth to twins?
> He wanted to know who the other man was...
> 197. There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead,
> and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and
> estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to
> try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really
> tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired
> to go on, so she drowned.
> The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it.
> I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and
> starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more
> endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even
> got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
> So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think
> I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles,
> 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight,
> but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.
> 198. This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when
> the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull
> you finger out, I'll sink?"
> 199. Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down
> and says "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No.
> Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, and one
> half hour later they were both killed by a train.
> 200. The blonde came running downstairs, crying. Her mother asked what
> was wrong and the blonde said her boyfriend had just dropped her.
> Her mother (a blonde) nodded wisely and proceeded to tell her about
> the birds and the bees and the blonde said: "No ma. I can fuck and
> suck with the best of them. But he says I can't cook"
> 201. A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly
> Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into
> Heaven, you have to pass a test."
> "Oh No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy.
> "Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter
> The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!"
> "That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter
> Then She started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me!
> Andy tells me..."
> 202. Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of
> their Mercedes with a coat hanger.
> Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
> Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting
> to rain and the top is down!
> 203. Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out
> a book called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it
> was volume seven of the encyclopaedia...
> 204. A blonde's response to the comment, "THINK about it!":
> "I don't have to think -- I'm blonde!"
> 205. A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the
> Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
> Bartender:"What is a B and C?".
> Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
> Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
> Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
> Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
> Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
> Bartender: "What's a 15?"
> Blonde: "7 and 7"
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