JotD / QotD Ελληνική Λίστα Ανεκδότων (JotD)

Θέμα: airline attendants

(nil): Onic V. Palandjian (onic(@)eagleocean.com)
Ημερομηνία: Πεμ 11 Μαρ 1999 - 16:31:01 EET

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight
safety
lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have
been
heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
of this
airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an
emergency
water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke,
contact a
member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the
airplane.

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in
the
lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going
to
switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but
please
stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if
you walk
on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front
of us,
some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the
overhead
bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is
equipped
with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing.
Any
passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a
full and
complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the
aircraft."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising
altitude
now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot,
too, so
I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the
flight."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." "Last one off the
plane
must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have
some of
the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them
are on
this flight...!"

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship
into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the
first
officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile,
and a
"Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad
landing, he
had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone
would
have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this
little old
lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a
question?" "Why
no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did
we land
or were we shot down?"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly
windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really
having to
fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on
the PA
and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain
in your
seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left
of our
airplane to the gate!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
ask you
to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight
attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when
opening the
overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell
everything has shifted."

>From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
XXX to
YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and
pull
tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know
how to
operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In
the event
of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the
ceiling.
Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a
small
child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs.
If you
are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love
more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
they'll
try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody
loves
you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

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