JotD / QotD Ελληνική Λίστα Ανεκδότων (JotD)

Θέμα: Six months

(nil): Sofia Anagnostopoulou (sofia(@)eexi.gr)
Ημερομηνία: Κυρ 23 Μαΐ 1999 - 03:20:25 EEST

Einai kalo - isos perissotero asteio gia tis kopeles ths
pareas.

An to breite megalo, scroll down gia ena pio mikrouli.

Sofia

-----snip,snip--8X-----------------------------------------------------------------

  Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her
  out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later
  he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to
  see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing
  anybody else.

  And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine,
  and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize that, as of
  tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?''

  And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud
  silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said
  that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks
  I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or
  isn't sure of.

  And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

  And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of
  relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have
  time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are,
  moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to
  keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward
  marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that
  level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

  And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . .
  February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at
  the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way
  overdue for an oil change here.

  And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm
  reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship,
  more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed
  it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why
  he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of
  being rejected.

  And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission
  again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And
  they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold
  weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn
  garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

  COMMUNICATIONS GAP

  And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too.
  God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I
  feel. I'm just not sure.

  And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty.
  That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

  And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight
  to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a
  perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care
  about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain
  because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

  And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a
  goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their . . .

  ''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud.

  ''What?'' says Roger, startled.

  ''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to
  brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . . . Oh God, I feel so . . . ''
  (She breaks down, sobbing.)

  ''What?'' says Roger.

  ''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I
  really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.''

  ''There's no horse?'' says Roger.

  ''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.

  ''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

  ''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says.

  (There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to
  come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks
  might work.)

  ''Yes,'' he says.

  A BEFUDDLED BEAU

  (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

  ''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.

  ''What way?'' says Roger.

  ''That way about time,'' says Elaine.

  ''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.''

  (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to
  become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves
  a horse. At last she speaks.)

  ''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.

  ''Thank you,'' says Roger.

  Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul,
  and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a
  bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a
  rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A
  tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was
  going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he
  would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think
  about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

  IT'S ANALYSIS TIME

  The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and
  they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking
  detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going
  over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture
  for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will
  continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never
  reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

  Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of
  his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: ''Norm, did
  Elaine ever own a horse?''

  We're not talking about different wavelengths here. We're talking about
  different planets, in completely different solar systems. Elaine cannot
  communicate meaningfully with Roger about their relationship any more than
  she can meaningfully play chess with a duck. Because the sum total of Roger's
  thinking on this particular topic is as follows:

" Huh? "

-----snip,snip--8X-----------------------------------------------------------------

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the
crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of
hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in
here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room
is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who
left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your
bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of
Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint
glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't
mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were
gone?".

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the
street to see if I could do it first".

-----snip,snip--8X-----------------------------------------------------------------

 DIET TIPS
          1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories
          2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar,
                  they cancel each other out.
          3. When eating with someone else, calories dont count
                  if you both eat the same amount.
          4. Foods used for medicinal purpose have no calories.
                  These include any chocolate used for energy,
                  brandy, cheesecake, or ice cream.
          5. Cookie pieces contain no calories, because breakage
                  causes the calories to leak out.
          6. If you eat food from someone else's plate, the
                  calories dont count.
          7. Movie related snacks are much lower in calories because
                  they are part of the entertainment, and not ones
                  personal fuel.

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