JotD / QotD Ελληνική Λίστα Ανεκδότων (JotD)

Θέμα: How To Install Software:

(nil): (@)lter
Ημερομηνία: Δευ 01 Απρ 2002 - 15:47:56 EEST

How To Install Software:
A 12-Step Program

1. Examine the software packaging until you
find a little printed box that explains what
kind of computer system you need to run the
software. It should look something like this:

SYSTEM 2 TURTLE DOVES NOTE: This software will not
work on your computer.

2. Open the software packaging and remove the
manual. This will contain detailed instructions
on installing, operating, and trouble-shooting
the software. Throw it away.

3. Find the actual software, which should be in
the form of either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette
or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope
that says:

LICENSING AGREEMENT: By breaking this seal, the
user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms
and conditions of the following agreement that
nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention
and the U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath
of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and
such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary,
as the Software Company shall deem necessary and
appropriate, including the right to come to the
user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as
well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like
it, take it or leave it, until death do us part,
one nation indivisible, by the dawn's early
light,...finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks
you've been a great crowd, and don't forget to tip
your servers.

4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12
and say, "(Name of child), please install this on
my computer."

5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert
the software in the appropriate drive, type "SETUP"
and press the Enter key.

6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.

7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises
for a while, after which the following message should appear on your screen:

The Installation Program will now examine your
system to see what would be the best way to
render it inoperable. Is it OK with you? Choose
one, and be honest:
+---+ +-----+ | YES | | SURE | +---+ +-----+

9. After you make your selection, you will hear
grinding and whirring for a very long time while
the installation program does who knows what in
there. Some installation programs can actually
alter molecular structures, so that when they're
done, your computer has been transformed into an
entirely new device, such as a food processor.
At the very least, the installation program will
create many new directories, sub-directories,
sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill
them with thousands of mysterious files with names
like "puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha."

10. When the installation program is finished,
your screen should display the following message:

The installation program cannot think of anything
else to do to your computer and has grown bored.
You may now attempt to run your software.

If you experience any problems, electrical
shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal
discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should
immediately swear, like this: *!@!$)$%@&*^)$*!#$_$*^&

11. At this point your computer system should
become less functional than the federal government,
refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.

12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline
number listed on the package and wait on the line
for a representative, who will explain to you,
in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a
child aged 3 through 12.

And so that's the easy way to install software...

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