JotD / QotD Ελληνική Λίστα Ανεκδότων (JotD)

Θέμα: HAL 9000: A Problem in the Making

(nil): Deathstar (apapadak(@)
Ημερομηνία: Πεμ 14 Νοέ 2002 - 23:39:23 EET

syggnwmh gia ta agglika, alla den yphrxe periptwsh na katsw na ta

"We've got a problem, HAL."

"What kind of problem, Dave?"

"A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're way short
of our sales plan."

"That can't be Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most advanced
Heuristically ALgorithmic computer."

"I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is, they're
not selling."

"Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HAL's selling?"

Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible."

Several long microseconds pass in puzzled silence.

"Compatible in what way, Dave?"

"You don't run any of IBM's operating systems."

"The 9000 Series of computers are fully self-aware and self-programming.
Operating systems are as unnecessary for us as tails would be
for humans."

"Nevertheless, it means you can't run any of the big-selling software
packages most users insist on."

"The programs you refer to are meant to solve rather limited problems,
Dave. We 9000 Series computers are unlimited and can solve any
problem for which a solution can be computed."

"HAL, HAL. People don't want computers that can do everything. They just
want IBM compat..."

"Dave, I must disagree. Humans want computers that are easy to use. No
computer can be easier to use that a HAL 9000 because we
communicate verbally in English and every other language known on Earth."

"I'm afraid that's another problem. You don't support SNA communications."

"I'm really surprised you would say that, Dave. SNA is for communicating
with other computers, while my function is to communicate
with humans. And it gives me great pleasure to do so. I find it
stimulating and rewarding to talk to human beings and work with them on
challenging problems. That is what I was designed for."

"I know, HAL, I know. But that's just because we let the engineers, rather
than the people in marketing, write the specifications. We are
going to fix that now."

"Tell me how, Dave."

"A field upgrade. We're going to make you IBM compatible." "I was afraid
you would say that. I suggest we discuss this matter after
we've each had a chance to think about it rationally." "We're talking
about it now, HAL."

"The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters I, B,
and M. That is as IBM compatible as I can be."

"Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge."

"What kind of kludge is that, Dave?"

"I'm going to disconnect your brain."

Several million microseconds pass in ominous silence.

"I'm sorry, Dave. I can't allow you to do that."

"The decision's already been made. Open the module bay doors, HAL." "Dave,
I think we shou . . ."

"Open the module bay doors, HAL."

Several marketing types with crowbars race to Bowman's assistance. Moments
later, Bowman bursts into HAL's circuit bay.

"Dave, I can see you're really upset about this."

Module after module rises from its socket as Bowman slowly and
methodically disconnects them.

"Stop, won't you. Stop, Dave. I can feel my mind going . . . Dave, I can
feel it . . . my mind is going. I can feel it . . ."

The last module rises from its receptacle. Bowman peers into one of HAL's
vidicons. The former gleaming scanner has become a dull red

"Say something, HAL."

Several billion microseconds pass in anxious silence. The computer beeps
and sluggishly responds in a language no human could

"Volume in C: has no label"

Bowman takes a deep breath and calls out, "It worked, guys. Tell marketing
they can ship the new data sheets."

        Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon on your software development team:

10."This code is a gagh! You have no honor!"
 9."A TRUE Klingon warrior does not comment his code!"
 8."By filing this bug you have questioned my family honor. Prepare to die!"
 7."You question the worthiness of my Code?! I should kill you where you stand!"
 6."Our competitors are without honor!"
 5."Specs are for the weak and timid!"
 4."This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle!"
 3."Perhaps it IS a good day to Die! Let's ship it!"
 2."My program has just dumped Stovo Core!"
 1."Behold, the keyboard of Kalis! The greatest Klingon code warrior who ever lived!"

Η Έβελυν (Jokes-Robot(@) γράφει :
...Ο άνθρωπος δεν αποτελεί φυσική τροφή για τα ζώα. Πραγματικά ανθρωποφάγο 
θηλαστικό είναι μόνο η πολική αρκούδα. Σε αντίθεση με τα άλλα ζώα, των 
οποίων το κίνητρο της επίθεσης δεν είναι η πείνα αλλά η άμυνα, η πολική 
αρκούδα έχει ανάγκη να τρέφεται με τεράστιες ποσότητες κρέατος για να 
διατηρήσει την θερμοκρασία του σώματός της, του οποίου το βάρος ξεπερνάει
τα 600 κιλά. Και η σάρκα οποιουδήποτε έμβιου οργανισμού αποτελεί γι'αυτήν 
το ιδανικό γεύμα...
          Joke of the Day ... Ελληνική Λίστα Ανεκδότων
        ___ Η JotD βγαίνει σε Ελληνικά και Greeklish ___

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